I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize