I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
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