turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize
