Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
