his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
