Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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