Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Randomize
