A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
