so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
the day after is always just damage control
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
