i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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