Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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