I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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