i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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