Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
