My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
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