I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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