Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!