At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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