White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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