My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
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White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
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i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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