Will you blow on my dice?
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Randomize
