I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
