I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I will pee on everything he values.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Randomize
