May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
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