so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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