he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
