So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
21 Porn Stars Confess What Sex Is Really Like On Set
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
19 People That Found Pubes In All The Wrong Places
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.