Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
19 Unhappily Married People Confess The Red Flags They Ignored
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
These 23 People Destroyed Their Entire Lives In An Instant
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky