i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
