sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
We have started to decorate penises.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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