I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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