Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
