The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
