Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
