Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
