Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
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