I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
