it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Still dying that you shit outside
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
