you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
