So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
My day in three words: secret purse cake
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
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