Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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