worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
