just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
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