How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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