did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
