no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
