so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
