dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize