Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
