The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
