Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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