dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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