Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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