R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
