I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Randomize
