your room smells of hookers.
And success
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
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He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
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I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
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